surely, we have better use for our time.

sorry, this blog is dead.
maybe see you in some other incarnation,
some other place and time.
cheerios! ;p

next door

i pushed the 'it's a must fresh lemonade' to her and said "yours na lang."

"finish it na, you're already half-way through."

i shake my head.

"why?"

"i don't want it anymore."

"why?"

"i dunno, i just don't like it anymore."

i thought 2006 was the year i reeeaally did, because i always say i did at
the end of each year. but apparently, i haven't grown up
after all. this makes me scared for your sake.

night diving

it used to be once a day, but i'm getting old, so i'll settle for do something scary once a month now. for december, it's night diving. i have to admit, i was a bit panicky and unsure when i was getting into the water. for some reason, i couldn't get my breathing to steady. just an arm-span away from D and my heart would pump. Damnit, why do those waves keep moving?!

So when Ricky said 'let's go down', i wanted to scream 'wait! wait! let's stay up here for as long as we can, i'm pretty sure i'll be running out of air fast.' but ang galeng, as soon as we went down, it was alright. the excitement took over. the overwhelming sense of adventure. i was content to float, just taking it all in - the other divers in the dark with their pillars of light. it was all so navy seals, haha.

it was just like walking around your neighborhood at night really. a bit different, a lot more shadows, but what scares you is mostly your imagination. of course the ease was short-lived, i panicked again later on. (being underwater talaga is an exercise in containing hysteria. just slip for a second, just let yourself think for a second about the abyss dropping away under you, the darkness surrounding you, the weight of all that water on top of you...) but then someone took my hand, and again, i was alright.

i loved the parts when i'd peek into little niches in the coral and a fish would hide from the light. "spotted you!" the octopus looked other-worldly and ghost-like (but i still like the cuttlefish more). the sea urchins looked like evil sputniks, waiting to shoot spikes at you when you float by.

i can't wait to get down again. but this time, i'm bringing a bigger light.

whee, B has an underwater camera

and guess who benefits? hehe.
see two cuties below.

happy feet

didn't turn out very happy in some bits. in fact, contrary to the light-hearted, silly little romp the title implies, some parts are down-right heavy, self-important and ambitious. but the happy parts ARE just too cute (surprisingly) and i am now wanting a Lovelace-choking-as-he-keeps-upright-in-the-ice-storm action figure. i want one that cackles and spits and chokes. what are the chances of finding that?

anyway, a tap-dancing penguin with a cause got me thinking about mine (again). i know, i know, you'll say it's 'another one of those days' when i look out the window and think about other things. but i can't help it. i was in a cab this morning heading back to the office from another long and pointless meeting about small and unimportant things, and it just came to me - i don't want to do this anymore.
i can only keep distracting myself with a mildly interesting initiative for a kinder client, or a new shoot that'll prove to be fun, or a cool costume for the christmas party, but you know what? after everything, after i close the window after distracting myself with another wiki article, or after walking back to my desk after successfully clearing with dave, i'm still bored. the way i was bored in bangkok, not having work. here, i do have work, bored-busy, busy-bored with self-important and ambitious campaigns to sell soup.

you'll say i'm whining. i got what i wanted and now that i have it i want something else. well, i've always wanted something else haven't i? and now i wonder why i never went for that. in the cab this morning, heading back to the office from another long and pointless meeting about small and unimportant things, it just came to me - i want my life to change next year.

and not just a - move to another country but still do the same thing - kind of change. but a bigger, deeper change. heck, maybe a total overhaul. of course, i'll keep some things. maybe it's just a matter of moving things around a bit so i can do more of what i really want to. i don't know yet really. i don't know anything for sure. but a change is coming. please let it be coming. something that could be heavy, self-important and ambitious too, but at least, moving along on happy feet.

ha!

three months in thailand and i manage 75 blog entries. i've been back here officially seven months and i don't even have a third of that here. i therefore conclude (not that this is a new realization) - having a life is counter-productive.

(whispering) atin-atin lang to ha, but that's also my excuse for being one travel article, three personal essays and umpteen fiction pieces negative. there goes my brilliant writing career. bwahahahahahahahahaha.

bacuit bay, palawan

i've been putting this off because i have to write an article anyway. but i just wanted to say, really, how amazing the Philippines is. i've had to make the choice, more than once, between staying home or moving away, but how could I? how could anyone?when you've got limestone cliffs right in your backyard.
(i swear, if there were a fight, superman would just have to slam brainiac into one of those cliffs and wala, patay na sya.)

i've been inexplicably so happy this day. someone's asked me why, e inexplicable nga e. but anyway, i'm thinking it could be my perfect perfect tan (haha, yabang!), my lovely relationship with mucus man or the two great meetings yesterday. but i guess it's just everything falling together. it's like that moment in the small lagoon, when i finally snapped out of jadedness.

it all boils down to moments like that. when you lean back and let the kayak take you out, careful not to tip over. slip under a rock bridge and emerge in a lagoon. You look around and you're surrounded by million years old rock stretching around and above you, greens breaking through the cliffs and the mysterious deep green of water below. Then, as today, you think "i really really like where i am right now. thank you god for taking me here."
(if i weren't tamad, pwede kong i-connect to with the previous airplane entry. you know, transporting, taking me here eklat? whatever. anyway, never mind. tamad nako ;p)

window seat

i never thought it would happen, but it did. i took flying for granted.

just realized now, when i looked out and my eyes widened, that, my god, i haven't actually looked out a plane window in so long. i guess in those last trips, i'd just settle down and sleep. but this morning, with the airconditioner mist and the sun streaming through the window of the tiny plane, it really was like being transported again. and were were floating through an ancient forest of clouds.

running, reaching, beating

Someone said sailing's just like flying a kit.
Damnit, I've never been able to manage that.

These days, I've figured - When you lack understanding, you go back to the things you're sure of. And words, I'm sure about those

I'm at this point in sailing lessons where i can't see the big picture yet. I'm just memorizing the vocabulary, putting terms to objects and conditions. If the sail looks like this, then that means this. If the wind comes from there, you call it this.

But today, i had some time to think about it and go beyond the mix&match. And then i understood.

When the wind is behind you, run with it. That's why your sail unfurls fully, arms outstretched, asking for a big hug.
When the wind is in front of you, struggle to beat it. So your sails tuck in. Like when you're walking against a howling wind, hugging yourself tight, trying not to lose the bits of you that stick out.
When the wind is away from you, reach for it. And your sails act accordingly. Reaching out. Fingers sticking out of a car, letting the wind run through it.

Suddenly, it all makes sense. And I'm starting to get a little faith. One day, i might actually get to fly a kite.

i still miss Limewire, so -

is it just me or is he cute?



while these guys are such nerds, but such geniuses.

manila zoo

“Why?”

Wala lang. It was nice to be around kids and happy families (that weren’t yours). To walk about with a camera, anonymous, munching on peanuts. And of course, my favorite, eavesdropping. I got some pretty good, er, eaves too.
Like at the guinea pig pen -

"Ano yan 'tay?"
"Daga."

Oo nga naman.

I'd tell you about the publicly masturbating monkey. But maybe it'd better if you didn't hear about it.

++++

Sometimes I think it would be easier to just up and go. To start from nothing rather than keep on going with what you have. It's hard you know, to try to change. Or pray you have the strength to bear the inevitable. again.

If one day you look up and ask yourself, where'd she go. I just must tell you, a woman wouldn’t leave without the symptoms you know. We sniff the decomposition even before the bacteria come. Feel the muscle twitch of rigor mortis, earlier even that its onset.

So, see, I didn’t really leave you. I just left before you realized you did.